[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
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Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
New tinder profile pic
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture