got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
You Might Also Like
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
get you a girl who
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus