the answer was staring at me all along
You Might Also Like
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.