(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
You Might Also Like
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
White Castle for the Win
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂