“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
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posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.