Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
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Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken