My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
New tinder profile pic
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself