[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
socratic questions
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though