If you’re testing me, we failed.
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My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.