[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”