[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
#TopTip
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?