ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
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*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Every work meeting this week
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Name this drama.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
50 shades of grey = my Liver
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.