I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*