It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
#dnd #ttrpg
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?