[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
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My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
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Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.