i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If a snake ate a cake
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.