I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
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You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
dream blunt rotation
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.