A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
For the ones in the back.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.