Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Put a ring on it
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text