Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
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The happy life.. 😊
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
OMG 🤣🤣
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact