[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
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Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
early stone age tool
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”