Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Double negatives are never not confusing.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards