Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.