Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises