My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
We need more people like this.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.