what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
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Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.