Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
No, he would not have.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”