Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“no gods no masters” = leo
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!