FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*