Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
You Might Also Like
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?