On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂