Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
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I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
excuse me
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession