Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.