If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.