The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I am, perchance
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
How to woo a woman
How I’d get arrested…
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”