I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn鈥檛 believe my luck.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My work here is done
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 馃槖
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I鈥檓 as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face