Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
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-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.