ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I know this now 😂
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.