A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Try and stop me.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next