I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
You Might Also Like
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender