I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
You Might Also Like
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
sigh
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
just gave your address to some spiders
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…