[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
a fate I wish upon no one
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
also my go-to takeaway order
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.