niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
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[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
asking santa clause for nudes
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨