Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Always
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.