Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My boss called in sick of me
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Isn’t
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.