I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
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*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
(True)
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today