Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.