I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection