Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
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[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I would like even faster food.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.