I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Have a lovely day 😊
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
i guess his teacher was really pissed